i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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