Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
