The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I think my moral compass just broke
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