i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
