I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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