it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
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