sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
