I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
