My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
