"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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