i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
