like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
