I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
Randomize
