I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
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