pop tarts are not kleenex
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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