i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
