One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
