new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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