You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
