I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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