I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
