hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
