I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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