Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
