she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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