You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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