??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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