All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Randomize
