I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
