Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I need moral support for this bender
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
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