i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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