Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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