I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
