someone threw a dead crab at me
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
FUCK WHALES
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
