there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You left your underwear on the fireplace
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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