I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
