OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
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At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
I just blew my weed a kiss
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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