i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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