good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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