I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
