I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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