so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Randomize