I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
we're making bets on your personal life
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
