I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
