Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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