We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
