just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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