dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
whose parrot is this?
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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