i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I need water and some morals
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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