I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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