nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
