I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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