do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
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If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
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Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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