We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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