I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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