were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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