apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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