so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Panties = found
Randomize