if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
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